Pain
Digital Ebola
7/6/2002

The needle is inserted. Liquid peace flows. This is it. This is the end.
No turning back now. Everything is in order. Bills? Not anymore. The bills
would fix themselves. Family? What family that was left will get over it. 
Job? Someone else now has the chance. 

Joseph sat back, and let the liquid salvation take hold. It's almost 
as of a weight was being lifted off his shoulders. It made him almost 
giddy. Like the start of a new adventure. It was almost fun. 

Joseph giggled and lit a cigerette. He would miss the small pleasures. The
small pleasures would not carry him through this life. It all became too 
much really. The loneliness, the destitude. 

He had pretty well lived a decent life. He was 27, not famous, not rich, 
but not poor, Joseph was just tired. Tired of the fight, tired of the 
struggle. Some people took vacations, some people fought it out. 

Why fight? 

Joseph turned the tv on with the remote. News was depressing. He flipped 
through the channels. Buy this, buy that. Everyone wants you to buy! buy! buy!

Joseph grinned, "I won't miss this." 

Calmly Joseph loaded his .38 revolver. Plan B. Not a happy plan, but he 
might take out that tv before he expired. For now, he would wait, and 
reflect. Some people freaked out in situations as his, but he brought this
upon himself. He wanted this. It actually felt like the most natural thing
in the world. As his sat and reflected, his savior raced through his veins. 

Joseph was a normal guy. Maybe too normal, because he saw the absurdity of the
world. All of it was like a weight. You went through the world, and you 
could trust noone. Not even God. He had tried church. It didn't work. He 
ended up getting fed up of the utter fakeness of the thing, or he pissed 
the pastors off to the point they could not have him. 

Simple questions. Faith, they said. 

Faith does not work. 

Joseph muted the tv. Looking at the clock, he saw that it was 5:00 pm. 
30 minutes had gone by. His legs were numb. He had already done the needed
things before he sat down for this little joyride into his memories. 
Note and instructions on the fridge, lights turned off. In a stroke of 
genius, he had even set up his computer to call a few of his friends and
leave messages. 

Otherwise, he would probably be here for a while.

Shakes were starting to set in. TV flickering. Nausea setting in slightly. 
It would pass soon. Now wasn't exactly a good time for regrets. He had 
purposely disconnected the phone, not like he could reach it now anyways.

When you make a decision, you stick with it. 

All in all, this was a pretty decent trip. He had drugs in the past that 
made him feel worse. Except you would wake up with a bad headache with those.
Joseph had no plans on waking up. 

Eyes growing heavy now, Joseph idly thought about shooting the television. 
No point really, much too relaxed to aim decently. Might shoot a neighbor 
passing by the door. Not like he knew his neighbors anyways. To them, he was
just someone that inhabited next door. He didn't make any noise, didn't 
throw wild parties, didn't do anything really. 

It was cold. More chilly then normal.. Joseph really wanted to sleep now, but
determination kept his eyes open. Did I do everything right? 

It doesn't matter. 

Joseph chuckled weakly as he saw the insignificance of it all. Nothing really
mattered. 27 years, and none of it mattered. 

Life is bunk.

The clock read 5:18. 

Tired of fighting, Joseph drunkenly put out his cigerette, and laid his head 
back. His neck felt like jello anyways. 

This is it, he thought. He would wave if he could lift his arms. 

Eyes shut, never to open again, Joseph began his long trek in search of a
god, at least there was purpose. 

Joseph now had plenty of time.